Get It Together, Soph!

I've talked to my network. It's been officially confirmed. I've been in some serious denial about Mr. Hyde. I am 20 minutes from clocking out at work (yes, I'm not necessarily supposed to be blogging right now... oops) and I will be on the road to go visit him. I'm nervous, because I have not had the conversation I'm about to have since I've been clean. This is a new experience. Luckily, I've already been pumped full of courage, strength, faith, and willingness by my people. Thank God for my people. I have to do this. I have to practice discipline! I have to tell him that there will be no more of this sick behavior from me. From now on, every breath I breathe will be kept by myself instead of passed on to him, because I'm seriously suffering from a lack of oxygen... Oxygen being the ability to take care of myself first. There will be no more "Sugar Mama" either, which is something my sponsor brought into awareness last night. Hello, Soph! No wonder you're completely drained financially! You've been paying double for everything! One for me, two for you... One for me, two for you... Sometimes, it is very unnerving to find out that I've been acting like a fool, but completely convinced that I've been doing "what's best" for the situation. Actually, let me get honest and say that it feels humiliating. Once again the same old vicious cycle with a man. So, it's either stand firm and Get It Together, or keep strangling the recovery I've worked so hard to grow. I don't know if there is anyone else out there with that experience, but I could use some reassurance. Has anyone else ever broken this vicious, cunning, sneaky, deceitful, quiet, but deadly cycle and had a good ending? I'm sure they have. Actually, I know they have. Because I know that if I put God first, then MYSELF, then whoever else is in the picture, that it always works out more beautifully than I could have tried to manipulate the situation into to begin with. Now, I'm going to pray pray pray on the way there that God will help me keep that courage to stand up for what I need. It shouldn't be this hard, but if it takes all this to build my relationship with God, then so be it, because I've been praying more these last two days. Hell yeah! It feels good to know and depend on God instead of Mr. Hyde again! So, through all the bad feelings, there are always always always more reasons to stay and fight for myself than to go and spend my life back-breakingly working for someone else. It is worth it. And there is always gratitude hidden beneath the layers of difficulty. It may not seem like it on the drive there, but I know that feeling that I'll get once this conversation is done with and I'm driving away will be exhilarating! Wish me luck...

Unstable

Ok, so I'm putting a lot into life. I'm taking suggestions. Well, I haven't been very vigilant in my stepwork, but I an writing on it at least once a week. But, mostly I've been putting a lot into my relationship. And, it's creating such an absurd amount of chaos. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's been put in this position. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is trying their damndest to create a more peaceful life. A stable life. A happy life full of friends and family and passions. And in the midst of that lies the drama of the significant other. What happens is that I work hard to create a positive atmosphere. I have a lot of experience at that and I'm really good at it. Sometimes it's fake, but hey, fake it til you feel it. So, I create this atmosphere and I start feeling content and then Mr. Hyde comes through with his doom and gloom and creates this horribly ugly black and white life instead of the beautiful colorful place I used to be in.

What to do in this situation? I love Dr. Jekyll. So, I've been taking care of Mr. Hyde. But, he's a BEAST! I told him that as long as he continued trying that I will be here to support him. But, what if I'm maintaining only well enough to cover my own ass? Keep the relationship, but make sure it's at a distance? I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I do know that even in the midst of all of this, it has made me so grateful that God has put me in the position that I'm in. Maybe it's not "morally" right to use others struggles to find my own gratitude, but I'm really not willing to care about "morally" right at the moment. I'm just grateful. No matter what I go through, I don't have to do what Mr. Hyde does. I don't have to feel like that ever again. My choices can always be different than his, because we are two seperate entities only acting as a unit. Thank God for that. Thank God for seperate entities! So, while the relationship with Mr. Hyde is unstable, at least I can grow and learn and change some of my habits and decision making based on the destruction I see in his.

I'm just going to keep on doing what I do... No Matter What

Stepping Through the Fear

This is the first time that I have stepped out and done something that I was passionate about in a very long time. That is the effect that active addiction had on me. I always had very large dreams. But, I also had a dream of a humble life that was focused on creativity. It's been a huge desire of mine since I was a little girl. Not that I've grown up that much yet... I thought I had lost that desire. I still pictured myself having my dream sometimes, but I had just lost the courage to do anything that would help me achieve that life I envisioned. But, I have a program today. I have a God today. I have people in my life who have come out of their own darkness and shown me a new way to live. And, I hope that more than anything else, there is someone else looking for a reason to step through their fear that might be encouraged by this blog.

To give some identification, I am 19 months clean. I have experienced the depths of my own darkness while I was using. And, it can be so confusing when you're trying to figure out if this is really you. If this is really how your life was supposed to end up. But, now (and thank God for now) I understand that I am able to really and truly appreciate the real version of myself that I am being introduced to. It's been slow so far, but it's been so warming. I feel like the concrete that had attached itself to my heart and seeped into it's pores and veins is being pulled away particle by particle. It is the process of freedom, and that is, I'm pretty sure, what most people are driven by day after day. Survival, first and foremost is the driving force of humanity, but once I'm secure in that, it's freedom that is the priority of my heart. Freedom to be just as I was created. And to leave those creative fingerprints everywhere I've been. That is my desire, and it is with so much bliss that I leave this first fingerprint...