Strength I Didn't Know I Had

So, we broke up. And since then, I've been keeping myself extremely busy. It wasn't easy of course, but it was mutual. We're still talking. I'm not sure where the future will take us, but only God knows that, so I've come to some acceptance with just staying in the moment. Sometimes I don't realize how out of the moment I've gotten until some life on life's terms comes my way. But it was all set up perfectly. After we broke up, I hung out with my girls in the program, which has a way of feeling like a safety net. I also ate something called a "Stroganoff Burger" from this awesome restaurant and enjoyed the hell out of it! It was mouthwatering... So after I was done depending on my friends and food to distract myself from feeling, it was off to a meeting and then home on that long stretch of interstate all alone. At least that's what I thought... It's been a few months since I really felt God in my heart. I've still been praying, but to feel the comfort of my Higher Power is something completely different. And that night, I prayed and prayed and then I felt it. That warm sensation that everything was going to be alright and that no matter what I thought, God could always take care of my man better than I can. And he definitely can and will take care of me if I let him. I wasn't alone after all!So, my prayer life has been phenomenal this last week. I'm so grateful to have started the practice of it again. I want to get more in touch with it. I usually feel really connected when I'm going through something upsetting or when I'm really really happy, but what about those in between moments? How is my prayer then? It's not normally very fulfilling, because my heart isn't in it. But I want to work on that. I want my heart to be in it even in those everyday moments. How do you stay connected to your God? What type of prayer is the most fulfilling for you?

Get It Together, Soph!

I've talked to my network. It's been officially confirmed. I've been in some serious denial about Mr. Hyde. I am 20 minutes from clocking out at work (yes, I'm not necessarily supposed to be blogging right now... oops) and I will be on the road to go visit him. I'm nervous, because I have not had the conversation I'm about to have since I've been clean. This is a new experience. Luckily, I've already been pumped full of courage, strength, faith, and willingness by my people. Thank God for my people. I have to do this. I have to practice discipline! I have to tell him that there will be no more of this sick behavior from me. From now on, every breath I breathe will be kept by myself instead of passed on to him, because I'm seriously suffering from a lack of oxygen... Oxygen being the ability to take care of myself first. There will be no more "Sugar Mama" either, which is something my sponsor brought into awareness last night. Hello, Soph! No wonder you're completely drained financially! You've been paying double for everything! One for me, two for you... One for me, two for you... Sometimes, it is very unnerving to find out that I've been acting like a fool, but completely convinced that I've been doing "what's best" for the situation. Actually, let me get honest and say that it feels humiliating. Once again the same old vicious cycle with a man. So, it's either stand firm and Get It Together, or keep strangling the recovery I've worked so hard to grow. I don't know if there is anyone else out there with that experience, but I could use some reassurance. Has anyone else ever broken this vicious, cunning, sneaky, deceitful, quiet, but deadly cycle and had a good ending? I'm sure they have. Actually, I know they have. Because I know that if I put God first, then MYSELF, then whoever else is in the picture, that it always works out more beautifully than I could have tried to manipulate the situation into to begin with. Now, I'm going to pray pray pray on the way there that God will help me keep that courage to stand up for what I need. It shouldn't be this hard, but if it takes all this to build my relationship with God, then so be it, because I've been praying more these last two days. Hell yeah! It feels good to know and depend on God instead of Mr. Hyde again! So, through all the bad feelings, there are always always always more reasons to stay and fight for myself than to go and spend my life back-breakingly working for someone else. It is worth it. And there is always gratitude hidden beneath the layers of difficulty. It may not seem like it on the drive there, but I know that feeling that I'll get once this conversation is done with and I'm driving away will be exhilarating! Wish me luck...