Unstable

Ok, so I'm putting a lot into life. I'm taking suggestions. Well, I haven't been very vigilant in my stepwork, but I an writing on it at least once a week. But, mostly I've been putting a lot into my relationship. And, it's creating such an absurd amount of chaos. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's been put in this position. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is trying their damndest to create a more peaceful life. A stable life. A happy life full of friends and family and passions. And in the midst of that lies the drama of the significant other. What happens is that I work hard to create a positive atmosphere. I have a lot of experience at that and I'm really good at it. Sometimes it's fake, but hey, fake it til you feel it. So, I create this atmosphere and I start feeling content and then Mr. Hyde comes through with his doom and gloom and creates this horribly ugly black and white life instead of the beautiful colorful place I used to be in.

What to do in this situation? I love Dr. Jekyll. So, I've been taking care of Mr. Hyde. But, he's a BEAST! I told him that as long as he continued trying that I will be here to support him. But, what if I'm maintaining only well enough to cover my own ass? Keep the relationship, but make sure it's at a distance? I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I do know that even in the midst of all of this, it has made me so grateful that God has put me in the position that I'm in. Maybe it's not "morally" right to use others struggles to find my own gratitude, but I'm really not willing to care about "morally" right at the moment. I'm just grateful. No matter what I go through, I don't have to do what Mr. Hyde does. I don't have to feel like that ever again. My choices can always be different than his, because we are two seperate entities only acting as a unit. Thank God for that. Thank God for seperate entities! So, while the relationship with Mr. Hyde is unstable, at least I can grow and learn and change some of my habits and decision making based on the destruction I see in his.

I'm just going to keep on doing what I do... No Matter What

This journey keeps getting larger, but more narrow all at the same time! I celebrated this weekend three different times for some of my friends having a year or more clean. We're all growing and learning and most of the time stumbling and falling all at once, but it makes it easier as a joint effort. My friendships are growing, my relationships with my family are flourishing, and my romantic relationship is thriving! Thank God for relationships today. Just today. Tomorrow might be different... So, that is how my journey is getting broader. But I've also begun to learn myself better as well. To see myself more clearly. To see the negative for what it is and accept it. And also to see the positive for what it is and accept it. I'm not sure how it is for most people, but I'm finding that the positive traits I was born with are sometimes harder to nurture than the negative traits I pick up along the way in life. But I'm trying to weed out the garden and bring purposeful growth back into my life, so I'm going to try to make a conscious effort to find something that will complement my creativity and do it. Something new. Any suggestions? What are some of the things that you all do to nurture your creativity?

Stepping Through the Fear

This is the first time that I have stepped out and done something that I was passionate about in a very long time. That is the effect that active addiction had on me. I always had very large dreams. But, I also had a dream of a humble life that was focused on creativity. It's been a huge desire of mine since I was a little girl. Not that I've grown up that much yet... I thought I had lost that desire. I still pictured myself having my dream sometimes, but I had just lost the courage to do anything that would help me achieve that life I envisioned. But, I have a program today. I have a God today. I have people in my life who have come out of their own darkness and shown me a new way to live. And, I hope that more than anything else, there is someone else looking for a reason to step through their fear that might be encouraged by this blog.

To give some identification, I am 19 months clean. I have experienced the depths of my own darkness while I was using. And, it can be so confusing when you're trying to figure out if this is really you. If this is really how your life was supposed to end up. But, now (and thank God for now) I understand that I am able to really and truly appreciate the real version of myself that I am being introduced to. It's been slow so far, but it's been so warming. I feel like the concrete that had attached itself to my heart and seeped into it's pores and veins is being pulled away particle by particle. It is the process of freedom, and that is, I'm pretty sure, what most people are driven by day after day. Survival, first and foremost is the driving force of humanity, but once I'm secure in that, it's freedom that is the priority of my heart. Freedom to be just as I was created. And to leave those creative fingerprints everywhere I've been. That is my desire, and it is with so much bliss that I leave this first fingerprint...